19/12/2016

My car's aircon needed fixing, and it costed RM2,332.00. FML.

It'll take me a few months to get out of reds now.

Other than that, my job's confirmed now. I quite like it.

Recently though, I feel the love for A is lesser?

Maybe because it was not reciprocated (Or rather, I don't even know whether he loves me or not), it's dwindling down.

I had a dream where he told me he loves me but I didn't know what to say to it, and if to be precise, I didn't want him to say it or feel that way. Because I can no longer say it, the thought of it makes my mouth so difficult to open. It's not that I don't love him, it's more like I'm unsure if I do anymore. I've kept it repressed for so well after all that perhaps it's working too well.

And when I couldn't, he says it's okay to keep up with the lie. Which means to say I love him back despite being hesitant, but of course he didn't really say it, It was just a dream. But it felt so odd.

Update

My last post was on the 29 June 2016. It's nearly 4 months later. A lot has happened. 
After the whole hoo haa of the whole Skype group coming here.

So after I told him let's not do anything personal anymore, the next day i hung out at his place with Len as well, watched movie, had pizza then the next night we all went karaoke and I wanted to ask if he was angry, "Are you ang-", then I got cut off but he texted me the reply when we're done, saying he's not. He just says he has a lot in his mind. And so this confusing charade of us just being strictly friends again lasted for a few days, then he began calling me terms of endearment like sayang, and that really irked me because I'm slipping into it again. And then we entered the cycle again and repeated the point of no return AGAIN, until it just continues on until around July 16th when I told him, again, that I can't do it anymore and being absolutely serious. And we went from my conviction that he doesn't have feelings for me to suddenly being together in a relationship. It was confusing and elating at the same time. It was a rough journey, he felt okay with seeing me twice a week, when I wanted to see him every other day or even everyday. I ended up sulking and getting angry or upset most of the time. It was always me putting in the effort. He wouldn't text me first or look for me first, or wonder what I was doing. Nope. 

Then on Aug 12, I was struggling with constipation, it felt like I was giving birth to a monster and laying an egg at the same time, for 2 hours I sat at the bloody bowl and it would come out bit by bit. FML. 

Anyway, I left my toxic job at the end of July, had a month break in Aug (not having income for 1 month really sets me back, like 2 months to recover from my credit card debt). So all that time in Aug, did we do anything special? Nope. We were supposed to meet more right, but no. He was too absorbed in his games. He says sometimes it's not because he don't wanna look for me or don't want to go out or whatever, but he wants to relax at home and take his mind off things, which I think is moot cause he wasn't going to classes or working. ALL THAT TIME. And I would have serious talks with him about this but things are still the same. Got improvement but same. 

Back to my toxic job, the boss gave me empty promises, said I could have flexible work hours but limit it to 930am, then what about the compulsory overtime omg, it killed me inside not going for audit firms again. Incidentally my current job now, I've been doing it for 1 month and 20 days now and it's too early to say but I love it! I love knowing what I'm supposed to do and just do it and there is no need to overtime and there is always something to do, albeit simple. AWESOME.

Back to A, sometimes I feel like I'm done. I'm done making myself available to him, he's not working or studying (on break) but somehow he's always tired or sleepy or whatever to go out or stay home and do something or even come over. It's always me bloody going to his place, I mean I like his parents and all but not all the time right? He would talk in the group chat but not one to one with me, automatically. 

Then I housesit for his parents and him when they went to Sandakan for a wedding and I looked over the loving poodle Daisy and I was using his pc when I discovered the Japanese porn -_- I was upset with it for a bit because he downloaded like every day okay. So it wasn't enough huh. But after a while I'm like meh whatever he can jack off and take care of his own needs, my catering will drastically drop.

And so being in a relationship like that made me feel empty. On Sept 12 I couldn't stand it I asked him, "What do you feel for me really? What are your feelings towards me?" He replied with, "I feel comfortable with you, I appreciate the things you do and the time you take out for me and I'm happy to have you." Yeah, all very neutral words. Nothing indicating whether he loves me or not.

So things went on until the final straw that day when we went to Biru2  Sept 18, a Sunday to watch a friend perform open mic, and he left the table to talk to his friends at 2 tables away, our friend followed suit in like 5 seconds. And he left me alone at the table for 30 mins. I felt like awkward but I didn't want to pull out my phone. And so I was really pissed off and I sat in stony silence the entire ride to his place (carpool). The next day he didn't say anything about why I was so angry or even when I got home, instead he asks if I was going to join them again I declined saying I wasn't aware there was a plan as you know, I wasn't in the conversation. The next day he asked me out again, he's going with his mom to Sham to watch her friend perform. Again, I declined when previously I would have 100% said yes. And the next day still no text from him. 3 days of not texting when the gf is obviously upset is something you don't want to do, especially when I'm not the type that needs time to 'cool off'. 

So on Sept 21, a Wednesday, while I was contemplating on whether I can break up with him through text (as I don't think I can bear to go through with it in person), I took a detour to avoid the jam and somehow ended near his place. So I just called him, asked him to come out, and it was raining when I said to break up. I was supposed to go have dinner with my brother and mom, and he has his niece's birthday (he said he wanted to ask me out for dinner that night). He didn't want to break up, I said, "I have to go for dinner." He replied, "We can talk about it after your dinner," and I said, "There's nothing to talk about." I asked for a hug and he's like why? It's not like we're breaking up. I said "But we are," and I left. And we had no contact. 

On Saturday he texted me, 4 days later. He wasn't trying to get me back but he was saying all the correct words. He apologised and said much more. I asked if he wanted to meet me, and we did at the park, and it all just fell into place. We were talking for a bit and it was jaunty. Then we reconciled and went to his house to watch a movie. 

Then I got sick on 27 Sept, had a high fever, recovered in the morning, sent my mom off to the airport, went to work and feeling more and more sick, took half day mc went to see the doctor at Lintas and the carpark had REINFORCED STEEL on their pillars okay!! The stripey black and yellow, omg piss me OFF, I backed into it and a piece of my hindlights left corner fell off and the bumper is dented in. I'll fix it soon. GAH. Felt like shit got home, he finally woke up and called me and said he'll come pick me up at 4. I fell in and out of sleep and he by 6 I was at his place, and I slept and ate there and he sent me back after midnight. I felt taken care of, for the first time I felt like he took care of me and that he's reliable. 

Then at Ven's wedding, I felt the contrast even more. Like what I am looking for (even if it's not a must whether I marry or not), is different from what he is looking for. And after the wedding, in the afternoon I went to look for him and we just snuggled in bed and I talked to him a little on this. It's hard to put into words but the gist of it was I was wondering how long we would last and he said don't talk like that, who knows if we could last for years then it was a subtle indication that we could end up together...? Something like that.

Then I got super pissed again because after the wedding the next week I felt so sleepy and slept early because just one night of not having enough sleep will disrupt you for a few days after (I'm getting old), and I was just so tired and he's not being understanding cos I felt asleep 3 nights in a row at his place when we were supposed to play Starwars and he would say like, "I called it" "See you this weekend." like ya see you never for the coming 4 days. MMHMM. 

Then presently, last Friday he came to my place and I was supposed to cook, but we didn't have enough time, and so we went to his place after. Now Brendan is back and we were having a lan party on Sunday night and I was supposed to send him back but I was too tired and I ended up sleepover. It's been everyday I've been seeing him since Friday, good. Good.

Actually things have been going pretty well recently. Like are things finally looking up from the several months of slump prior relationship? I'm happy and satisfied. Oh and Oct 16 Joshua asked him if we were together and he said yes and I feel like it's a breakthrough since we decided to not go public mainly because of our Skype group, I didn't want them to see me differently, but I guess we weren't that subtle as we thought we were.

I hope to slowly let go tho. Right now my biggest slump is managing my finances and getting myself out of the red. In two weeks time i will be free from the reds, yay!

This is a long post for it's been so long.

SIGH

And so Brendan returned, and now Leonard is here.

There always seems to be a reason for me to still be in close contact with A.

Turns out his secret is that he cried when I said not to meet anymore.

Past the point of no return on the 18 June, and on the 16 June he cried. In front of me. Because of me. And I cried as well, I can't hold it when he says he's sorry.

I really don't know what the fuck I'm doing anymore.

Then on 25 June I told him I don't want to do anything anymore and he was angry for a bit. Angry? No. I don't know. Grouchy? Aggresive? I Just felt like he was cold. Somewhat.

Again, I don't know what the fuck I'm doing anymore.

I reread our messages for June and it's awful how inconsistent I am. To the point were I'm ashamed of my words now.

Turmoil

Everyday I feel something new. Or old.

Today I feel turmoil.

Sometimes I can barely focus on working, I daydream and stare at the paper. It was the whole familiar feeling of losing myself again just because feelings are not returned. The squeezing of the heart, sadness and gloom hanging over me today. The feeling of "Shit, I got too close again."

I feel like I miss him. Even though it was only last Sunday we met. I refuse to be smitten again. I refuse to be head over heels. I refuse. I miss him so much but he will never know because I will never tell him. What's the point? And I'm depressed by the fact that he never asked what I'm doing, if a guy doesn't ask you that it means he's not interested, and that made me feel down too.

I thought I was over feeling this. Geez, I don't need to feel shitty. But it beats feeling hurt, I guess.

It looks like I'm in a cycle. An emotional one. I will love, grow cold, be numb all over again. And it's getting worse because although I have fallen head over heels and out of it with him, I think I might be starting to love him for real. Which is bad. Well, it's all in the head. Illusions. I 'think'. So, it's impossible.

It was naive of me to think I could move on from having feelings for him while still in close contact with him. So what else is there to do?

Feels like it, but not.

Today Ven shared a post.

It said:-

How to stop time: kiss.
How to travel in time: read.
How to escape time: music.
How to feel time: write.
How to release time: breathe.

I quite like how easy yet simple it sounded.

A personal one?

How to suspend time: Be in unrequited love.

Doing these movie marathons on a weekly basis is heaven and hell at the same time. But recently more of heaven. I catch myself unawares, it feels as if we're dating (he said it too; twice; but then again, I nearly started overthinking again), but we're not. Fingers entwined for no reason, innocent pecks here and there, and it tickles my heart especially when it's on the temple. Too much to take in sometimes.

Have to shake my head, distance myself and continue telling myself this is all but an illusion. This bliss, is a sad sad illusion.

He said he has a secret that he will tell me some time. At this point, I no longer care what secret he has as it probably can't affect me any worse than my current predicament. So no idea why he can't just be out with it but *shrug* but I'm sure it'll be one I will probably scoff at, for what else can surprise me? We only have the now after all, I have accepted that I can have nothing of him, his future and especially his feelings and heart. All I have is his thoughts, his company, his time, his teasing, his laughter; them being the now. The present.

I no longer feel the sting of rejection (or do I). Au contraire, I have the feeling of impending, imminent conviction and resignation that all good things will come to an end and that we will go on our separate ways. Maybe that is why I am so caught up in it now, since I know it will be, but fleeting.

When we went climbing, and I saw his girly body I kept wondering to myself why him. Obviously when I said I was physically attracted, it was probably affected by the feelings I have for him. Cos I probably look more manly than him, I'm sorry I'm not feminine enough.

Who knows, this could a drive for me to finally leave for Singapore. When all is so messed up, and it is time for me to throw the towel in, throw my hands up and walk out.

The months are rolling by and I should be getting a new job.

I may seem fucked up, I probably am, but I'm not regretting, nor have I regretted any of my decisions in the past. So I sincerely hope AND KNOW that I will not start regretting anything now.

Jika engkau minta intan permata
Tak mungkin ku mampu
Tapi sayangkan ku capai bintang
Dari langit untukmu

Jika engkau minta satu dunia
Akan aku coba
Ku hanya mampu jadi milikmu
Pastikan kau bahagia

Hati ini bukan milik ku lagi
Seribu tahun pun akan ku nantikan kamu

Sayangku jangan kau persoalkan
Siapa di hatiku
Terukir di bintang
Tak mungkin hilang cintaku padamu

Hati ini bukan milik ku lagi
Seribu tahun pun akan ku nantikan kamu

Sayangku jangan kau persoalkan
Siapa di hatiku
Terukir di bintang
Tak mungkin hilang cintaku padamu

Sayangku jangan kau persoalkan
Siapa di hatiku
Terukir di bintang
Tak mungkin hilang cintaku padamu

Terukir di bintang
Tak mungkin hilang cintaku padamu

Emotions

I dislike you A
Because I just do.
Not the person, but what you're capable of
Affecting me so
You made my life so fucked up now and it's not your fault.
It's mine.
You made me lose control.
And control was all I ever had in my life.
You're killing me slowly, inside
And you never noticed.
I was willing to compromise so much of myself.
Even compromised who I was to keep up this charade with you.
Was the experience worth it?
Yes.
It proved I could bleed too.
Was it worth my losing my heart?
No.
Recovering the pieces will be a pain the ass.
But I'll get back up.

Suddenly, unrequited love took on a whole new meaning.

Tell me.
How do you move on from someone you are always close with?
You die. Inside.

The right answer would be to put distance, but that I could not do.
I tried.


I foresee I will come out of this incapable of feelings. Which is good.
I would have better control over my emotions after this, aye?

The room doesn't fade away anymore,
Maybe I've stopped seeing the stars.
No stars, no hope.
Consumed by darkness
And despair
Frustration
Bittersweet
Wistful
Sad.
No hurt. Just all the above.

And fun. Oh plenty of fun.



When will I finally die?

Not literally, of course.

One day, I will be looking fondly upon these memories, of when I was able to be true to my heart. ''Cherish the memories.''




"I Hate U I Love U"
(feat. Olivia O'Brien)

[Verse 1 - Olivia O'Brien:]
Feeling used
But I'm
Still missing you
And I can't
See the end of this
Just wanna feel your kiss
Against my lips
And now all this time
Is passing by
But I still can't seem to tell you why
It hurts me every time I see you
Realize how much I need you

[Hook - Olivia O'Brien:]
I hate you, I love you,
I hate that I love you
Don't want to but I can't put nobody else above you
I hate you, I love you,
I hate that I want you
You want her, you need her
And I'll never be her

[Verse 2 - Gnash:]
I miss you when I can't sleep
Or right after coffee
Or right when I can't eat
I miss you in my front seat
Still got sand in my sweaters
From nights we don't remember
Do you miss me like I miss you?
Fucked around and got attached to you
Friends can break your heart too,
And I'm always tired but never of you
If I pulled a you on you, you wouldn't like that shit
I put this real out, but you wouldn't bite that shit
I type a text but then I never mind that shit
I got these feelings but you never mind that shit
Oh oh, keep it on the low
You're still in love with me but your friends don't know
If you wanted me you would just say so
And if I were you, I would never let me go
I don't mean no harm
I just miss you on my arm
Wedding bells were just alarms
Caution tape around my heart
You ever wonder what we could have been?
You said you wouldn't and you fucking did
Lie to me, lie with me, get your fucking fix
Now all my drinks and all my feelings are all fucking mixed
Always missing people that I shouldn't be missing
Sometimes you gotta burn some bridges just to create some distance
I know that I control my thoughts and I should stop reminiscing
But I learned from my dad that it's good to have feelings
When love and trust are gone
I guess this is moving on
Everyone I do right does me wrong
So every lonely night I sing this song

[Hook - Olivia O'Brien and Gnash:]
I hate you, I love you,
I hate that I love you
Don't want to but I can't put nobody else above you
I hate you, I love you,
I hate that I want you
You want her, you need her
And I'll never be her

[Bridge - Olivia O' Brien and Gnash:]
All alone I watch you watch her
Like she's the only girl you've ever seen
You don't care you never did
You don't give a damn about me
Yeah all alone I watch you watch her
She is the only thing you ever see
How is it you never notice
That you are slowly killing me

[Hook - Olivia O'Brien:]
I hate you, I love you,
I hate that I love you
Don't want to but I can't put nobody else above you
I hate you I love you
I hate that I want you
You want her, you need her
And I'll never be her

I'm a hypocrite

Yep, I'm a hypocrite.

Walk the fuck away?

Yeah, right.

Our friend was here from KL and so we hung out, I wanted to hang out separately but my stupid friend was like why didn't you ask A. Whatever la.

I realised that I was able to contain the drama. Cocoon myself. Protect myself. It did not touch my heart or affect my emotions. I did not feel hurt. And plus I enjoyed the company too. And thus, I continued hanging out with all of them.

Perhaps it is because I have accepted that he will never have feelings for me and that I have nothing I can expect from him anymore. He is not the man that I need but he sure is someone I would want. I guess it is better this way, else I would be regressing. Being with him would mean saying goodbye to getting married (not like I have any prospects I can seriously consider), being with him would be like regressing to my teenage years, except, I would be happy.

We are really playing with fire now. And I do not hope to be burnt but it is like a moth to the flame, simply irresistible. I officially confessed to him yesterday and told him to reject me outright, not half heartedly. I wanted him to tell me that he only sees me as a friend and that he would never have feelings for me. He would never love me.

But he refused, and said he was worried that what if whatever he feel is not clear, blurry and unsure because his mind is telling him so? He got fucked recently so maybe now nothing is clear because he is subconsciously protecting himself.

Well, for me, it could be that, or not. Either way I refuse to be confused over a 0.1% chance, and so if he does not want to reject me outright I'll just assume so and just bloody move on emotionally. Other than that, we are still good friends. I don't know what about his company that is so good but I just feel like I want to be there, spending time with him.

And to think, my vague memory of first meeting with him was at Shamrock's restroom right, but I was going in and he was going out and he gave me this stare that I thought was pretty weird. So I was saying to myself, "Why'd that guy look at me, giving me that creepy look. Stay away from him." And I shrugged it off. So you know what this means? It means first impression can be horribly wrong.

Goodbye

Last seen 21/5/2016. Super last seen 30/31/5/2016.
Next seen? Never.

Had one last hug.

Hung out as a bunch of friends just playing games and watching horror movies.
Watched VHS2 and Session 9. Dead or alive zombie-ish movie is still notable, I'd watch it again some other time, the level of gore is just too disturbing to pass over. Watched it on 21st yet already feel like rewatching it.

I'm giving up on DOOM, it's not worth it to see him and be even slightly affected. I can purchase my own DOOM come summer sales perhaps.

I really wonder why he affects me so much. When we are all curled up in bed (a bunch of us) watching the movie it's just so comfortable. And I want to snuggle.

"I am my own woman."

I can live without this. Definitely.

I thought I was okay. Since I didn't cry since 27. Well apparently not. Little trickle of tears on my way home yesterday. Had a little jabs and jibes in but I'm afraid it wasn't enough to be of any pain to him. Little words disguised as tease but chock full of daggers. At least I hoped it was.

What would you do if one does not want you emotionally or physically but merely wants the enjoyment of companionship, flirting and the thrill? 

You walk the fuck away.




I AM WALKING THE FUCK AWAY.
WALKING THE FUCK AWAY.
THE FUCK AWAY.
FUCK AWAY.
AWAY.

And from now on I tell myself, I will deny it even if I like someone. I'm done. If i don't like someone, I won't lead them on, but if I do, I'll keep to myself. The way I am is that if I like that person, it's green lights all the way, I'm told I'm too easy (not by the very same person or else I would have killed him already). And you know what? I probably bloody am, but that's only because I'm straightforward what. If like, then like la, if don't, then don't la.

But apparently it's not enough for ye male counterparts so I shall hold myself back despite liking the person. So I'm not exactly playing mind games or hard to get. I'm just giving up.

I'm a Supergirl

Anna Naklab - Supergirl

Supergirls don't cry

And then she'd say:
"It's okay
I got lost on the way
But I'm a supergirl
And supergirls don't cry"

And then she'd say:
"That nothing can go wrong
When you're in love
What can go wrong?"

And then she'd scream in my face
Tell me to leave, leave this place
Cause she's a supergirl
And supergirls just fly

Yes, she's a supergirl, a supergirl
She's sowing seeds, she's burning trees
My supergirl

-----

Why do I keep hurting me?
Why do I jump into the ash pit
Despite knowing nothing but despair awaits me?
Would you?
Of course you would.
When sleep does not come to you at 7am on a workday
You're fucked.
Hard.
What do you call the volatile love hate emotions when it's
Unrequited and returned at once?
What do you call it when he meets nothing on your list
And yet you yearn to want something you'll never have?
In this world of filth
Is there hope, a shred of innocence that remain?

Do you hear that?
It's the sound of your heart breaking
As it's thrown all around
Don't you know?
Don't you know the world wants not real throbbing red
But plastic black merry go rounds
Nothing but everlasting fun.

FML

I am poisoned by him.

Unfortunately, he is not.

Fuck.


So, I like a guy who is 6 years younger than me. He's 22.

Why do I like him? I don't even know. I'm hoping to wake up from it soon.

Because why? Because he only sees me as a friend.




Why I shouldn't like A
1. He skulks around.
2. He is a chronic gamer. Games > me.
3. He has long hair.
4. He doesn't even have a job yet.
5. He has slimmer ankles than me.
6. He didn't even pick me up from home, not even once.

Recap

Dear all,

So much have happened. I am currently 28 years old.

I died at 24 when I joined an audit firm. One of the big four. I forced myself to grow up and be a responsible adult and locked myself up. Ultimate mission - to recover my true self.

Around end of January 2016, my bf, now ex of 5 years broke up with me. I grieved for a week, and after that things were normal. It was a long distance relationship.

Needless to say, after that I had quite an adventure searching for myself. I'm learning and doing so many things at the moment that I am not even sure if I can cope.

I love salsa, bachata and kizomba.
I love zumba.
I love yoga.
I love Japanese classes.
I love diving! I took my open water on 2 May 2016.
Should I leave the country for Singapore? Leave my adorable cat, Fatty behind?


On 15 May 2016, I had my first butterfly tattoo. It fucking hurt like hell. Below my left collarbone.