I have brought up the topic about breaking up or taking a break for many times now since February and more so in March. He doesn't want us to end.
And finally on the 27 March Monday is when our break started. We're taking it because I threatened to just break up.
He doesn't know his feelings for me, as in, whether he loves me or not. Even after 8 months of being together. How can one not know? I have decided to end it. He still thinks we'll be together again after taking a break. Well, we might be. But once I throw away my affections then what? He wanted us to last at least a year (What is this, a resume?) But I get where he's coming from. It would sound better.
Technically I've known him for a year and it's been exactly a year honestly, that I've been in love with him. But it just hurts. It hurts knowing he doesn't love me, because honestly, when a guy says I don't know whether I love you or not, even though you're so amazing, you just know he doesn't love you, no matter how much he wants to love you.
He keeps complimenting me, he says I'm cute, pretty, makes him want to bite me. He's attentive. He's just so much more than before. More affectionate, more attentive, more around, more involved.
I guess the reason why I'm putting a stop to us was because I know I will be ugly. I can feel myself becoming ugly. It's driving me crazy and sad that I know he doesn't love me, and I feel despair. I've subconsciously been rejecting sex. I just don't feel like it. And I no longer am so willing or eager to please him, his pleasure is of no concern to me. It just feels empty.
I know we will become ugly down the long run, because of me. Because of what I want is gnawing me on the inside and I just don't... I can't. I can't.
It's only the 3rd day now of no contact, it's difficult.
After this, I won't fall in love so easily again. Well, it took me 28 years to fall in love. Now that I've had a taste, it's enough. It's too scary. It's better if I am alone at least I won't be hurt.
How can we move on when we know there's someone waiting for us?
Time to murder my love now. Throw it somewhere.
Wednesday, March 29, 2017
Monday, December 19, 2016
19/12/2016
My car's aircon needed fixing, and it costed RM2,332.00. FML.
It'll take me a few months to get out of reds now.
Other than that, my job's confirmed now. I quite like it.
Recently though, I feel the love for A is lesser?
Maybe because it was not reciprocated (Or rather, I don't even know whether he loves me or not), it's dwindling down.
I had a dream where he told me he loves me but I didn't know what to say to it, and if to be precise, I didn't want him to say it or feel that way. Because I can no longer say it, the thought of it makes my mouth so difficult to open. It's not that I don't love him, it's more like I'm unsure if I do anymore. I've kept it repressed for so well after all that perhaps it's working too well.
Maybe because it was not reciprocated (Or rather, I don't even know whether he loves me or not), it's dwindling down.
I had a dream where he told me he loves me but I didn't know what to say to it, and if to be precise, I didn't want him to say it or feel that way. Because I can no longer say it, the thought of it makes my mouth so difficult to open. It's not that I don't love him, it's more like I'm unsure if I do anymore. I've kept it repressed for so well after all that perhaps it's working too well.
And when I couldn't, he says it's okay to keep up with the lie. Which means to say I love him back despite being hesitant, but of course he didn't really say it, It was just a dream. But it felt so odd.
Thursday, October 20, 2016
Update
My last post was on the 29 June 2016. It's nearly 4 months later. A lot has happened.
After the whole hoo haa of the whole Skype group coming here.
So after I told him let's not do anything personal anymore, the next day i hung out at his place with Len as well, watched movie, had pizza then the next night we all went karaoke and I wanted to ask if he was angry, "Are you ang-", then I got cut off but he texted me the reply when we're done, saying he's not. He just says he has a lot in his mind. And so this confusing charade of us just being strictly friends again lasted for a few days, then he began calling me terms of endearment like sayang, and that really irked me because I'm slipping into it again. And then we entered the cycle again and repeated the point of no return AGAIN, until it just continues on until around July 16th when I told him, again, that I can't do it anymore and being absolutely serious. And we went from my conviction that he doesn't have feelings for me to suddenly being together in a relationship. It was confusing and elating at the same time. It was a rough journey, he felt okay with seeing me twice a week, when I wanted to see him every other day or even everyday. I ended up sulking and getting angry or upset most of the time. It was always me putting in the effort. He wouldn't text me first or look for me first, or wonder what I was doing. Nope.
Then on Aug 12, I was struggling with constipation, it felt like I was giving birth to a monster and laying an egg at the same time, for 2 hours I sat at the bloody bowl and it would come out bit by bit. FML.
Anyway, I left my toxic job at the end of July, had a month break in Aug (not having income for 1 month really sets me back, like 2 months to recover from my credit card debt). So all that time in Aug, did we do anything special? Nope. We were supposed to meet more right, but no. He was too absorbed in his games. He says sometimes it's not because he don't wanna look for me or don't want to go out or whatever, but he wants to relax at home and take his mind off things, which I think is moot cause he wasn't going to classes or working. ALL THAT TIME. And I would have serious talks with him about this but things are still the same. Got improvement but same.
Back to my toxic job, the boss gave me empty promises, said I could have flexible work hours but limit it to 930am, then what about the compulsory overtime omg, it killed me inside not going for audit firms again. Incidentally my current job now, I've been doing it for 1 month and 20 days now and it's too early to say but I love it! I love knowing what I'm supposed to do and just do it and there is no need to overtime and there is always something to do, albeit simple. AWESOME.
Back to A, sometimes I feel like I'm done. I'm done making myself available to him, he's not working or studying (on break) but somehow he's always tired or sleepy or whatever to go out or stay home and do something or even come over. It's always me bloody going to his place, I mean I like his parents and all but not all the time right? He would talk in the group chat but not one to one with me, automatically.
Then I housesit for his parents and him when they went to Sandakan for a wedding and I looked over the loving poodle Daisy and I was using his pc when I discovered the Japanese porn -_- I was upset with it for a bit because he downloaded like every day okay. So it wasn't enough huh. But after a while I'm like meh whatever he can jack off and take care of his own needs, my catering will drastically drop.
And so being in a relationship like that made me feel empty. On Sept 12 I couldn't stand it I asked him, "What do you feel for me really? What are your feelings towards me?" He replied with, "I feel comfortable with you, I appreciate the things you do and the time you take out for me and I'm happy to have you." Yeah, all very neutral words. Nothing indicating whether he loves me or not.
So things went on until the final straw that day when we went to Biru2 Sept 18, a Sunday to watch a friend perform open mic, and he left the table to talk to his friends at 2 tables away, our friend followed suit in like 5 seconds. And he left me alone at the table for 30 mins. I felt like awkward but I didn't want to pull out my phone. And so I was really pissed off and I sat in stony silence the entire ride to his place (carpool). The next day he didn't say anything about why I was so angry or even when I got home, instead he asks if I was going to join them again I declined saying I wasn't aware there was a plan as you know, I wasn't in the conversation. The next day he asked me out again, he's going with his mom to Sham to watch her friend perform. Again, I declined when previously I would have 100% said yes. And the next day still no text from him. 3 days of not texting when the gf is obviously upset is something you don't want to do, especially when I'm not the type that needs time to 'cool off'.
So on Sept 21, a Wednesday, while I was contemplating on whether I can break up with him through text (as I don't think I can bear to go through with it in person), I took a detour to avoid the jam and somehow ended near his place. So I just called him, asked him to come out, and it was raining when I said to break up. I was supposed to go have dinner with my brother and mom, and he has his niece's birthday (he said he wanted to ask me out for dinner that night). He didn't want to break up, I said, "I have to go for dinner." He replied, "We can talk about it after your dinner," and I said, "There's nothing to talk about." I asked for a hug and he's like why? It's not like we're breaking up. I said "But we are," and I left. And we had no contact.
On Saturday he texted me, 4 days later. He wasn't trying to get me back but he was saying all the correct words. He apologised and said much more. I asked if he wanted to meet me, and we did at the park, and it all just fell into place. We were talking for a bit and it was jaunty. Then we reconciled and went to his house to watch a movie.
Then I got sick on 27 Sept, had a high fever, recovered in the morning, sent my mom off to the airport, went to work and feeling more and more sick, took half day mc went to see the doctor at Lintas and the carpark had REINFORCED STEEL on their pillars okay!! The stripey black and yellow, omg piss me OFF, I backed into it and a piece of my hindlights left corner fell off and the bumper is dented in. I'll fix it soon. GAH. Felt like shit got home, he finally woke up and called me and said he'll come pick me up at 4. I fell in and out of sleep and he by 6 I was at his place, and I slept and ate there and he sent me back after midnight. I felt taken care of, for the first time I felt like he took care of me and that he's reliable.
Then at Ven's wedding, I felt the contrast even more. Like what I am looking for (even if it's not a must whether I marry or not), is different from what he is looking for. And after the wedding, in the afternoon I went to look for him and we just snuggled in bed and I talked to him a little on this. It's hard to put into words but the gist of it was I was wondering how long we would last and he said don't talk like that, who knows if we could last for years then it was a subtle indication that we could end up together...? Something like that.
Then I got super pissed again because after the wedding the next week I felt so sleepy and slept early because just one night of not having enough sleep will disrupt you for a few days after (I'm getting old), and I was just so tired and he's not being understanding cos I felt asleep 3 nights in a row at his place when we were supposed to play Starwars and he would say like, "I called it" "See you this weekend." like ya see you never for the coming 4 days. MMHMM.
Then presently, last Friday he came to my place and I was supposed to cook, but we didn't have enough time, and so we went to his place after. Now Brendan is back and we were having a lan party on Sunday night and I was supposed to send him back but I was too tired and I ended up sleepover. It's been everyday I've been seeing him since Friday, good. Good.
Actually things have been going pretty well recently. Like are things finally looking up from the several months of slump prior relationship? I'm happy and satisfied. Oh and Oct 16 Joshua asked him if we were together and he said yes and I feel like it's a breakthrough since we decided to not go public mainly because of our Skype group, I didn't want them to see me differently, but I guess we weren't that subtle as we thought we were.
I hope to slowly let go tho. Right now my biggest slump is managing my finances and getting myself out of the red. In two weeks time i will be free from the reds, yay!
This is a long post for it's been so long.
After the whole hoo haa of the whole Skype group coming here.
So after I told him let's not do anything personal anymore, the next day i hung out at his place with Len as well, watched movie, had pizza then the next night we all went karaoke and I wanted to ask if he was angry, "Are you ang-", then I got cut off but he texted me the reply when we're done, saying he's not. He just says he has a lot in his mind. And so this confusing charade of us just being strictly friends again lasted for a few days, then he began calling me terms of endearment like sayang, and that really irked me because I'm slipping into it again. And then we entered the cycle again and repeated the point of no return AGAIN, until it just continues on until around July 16th when I told him, again, that I can't do it anymore and being absolutely serious. And we went from my conviction that he doesn't have feelings for me to suddenly being together in a relationship. It was confusing and elating at the same time. It was a rough journey, he felt okay with seeing me twice a week, when I wanted to see him every other day or even everyday. I ended up sulking and getting angry or upset most of the time. It was always me putting in the effort. He wouldn't text me first or look for me first, or wonder what I was doing. Nope.
Then on Aug 12, I was struggling with constipation, it felt like I was giving birth to a monster and laying an egg at the same time, for 2 hours I sat at the bloody bowl and it would come out bit by bit. FML.
Anyway, I left my toxic job at the end of July, had a month break in Aug (not having income for 1 month really sets me back, like 2 months to recover from my credit card debt). So all that time in Aug, did we do anything special? Nope. We were supposed to meet more right, but no. He was too absorbed in his games. He says sometimes it's not because he don't wanna look for me or don't want to go out or whatever, but he wants to relax at home and take his mind off things, which I think is moot cause he wasn't going to classes or working. ALL THAT TIME. And I would have serious talks with him about this but things are still the same. Got improvement but same.
Back to my toxic job, the boss gave me empty promises, said I could have flexible work hours but limit it to 930am, then what about the compulsory overtime omg, it killed me inside not going for audit firms again. Incidentally my current job now, I've been doing it for 1 month and 20 days now and it's too early to say but I love it! I love knowing what I'm supposed to do and just do it and there is no need to overtime and there is always something to do, albeit simple. AWESOME.
Back to A, sometimes I feel like I'm done. I'm done making myself available to him, he's not working or studying (on break) but somehow he's always tired or sleepy or whatever to go out or stay home and do something or even come over. It's always me bloody going to his place, I mean I like his parents and all but not all the time right? He would talk in the group chat but not one to one with me, automatically.
Then I housesit for his parents and him when they went to Sandakan for a wedding and I looked over the loving poodle Daisy and I was using his pc when I discovered the Japanese porn -_- I was upset with it for a bit because he downloaded like every day okay. So it wasn't enough huh. But after a while I'm like meh whatever he can jack off and take care of his own needs, my catering will drastically drop.
And so being in a relationship like that made me feel empty. On Sept 12 I couldn't stand it I asked him, "What do you feel for me really? What are your feelings towards me?" He replied with, "I feel comfortable with you, I appreciate the things you do and the time you take out for me and I'm happy to have you." Yeah, all very neutral words. Nothing indicating whether he loves me or not.
So things went on until the final straw that day when we went to Biru2 Sept 18, a Sunday to watch a friend perform open mic, and he left the table to talk to his friends at 2 tables away, our friend followed suit in like 5 seconds. And he left me alone at the table for 30 mins. I felt like awkward but I didn't want to pull out my phone. And so I was really pissed off and I sat in stony silence the entire ride to his place (carpool). The next day he didn't say anything about why I was so angry or even when I got home, instead he asks if I was going to join them again I declined saying I wasn't aware there was a plan as you know, I wasn't in the conversation. The next day he asked me out again, he's going with his mom to Sham to watch her friend perform. Again, I declined when previously I would have 100% said yes. And the next day still no text from him. 3 days of not texting when the gf is obviously upset is something you don't want to do, especially when I'm not the type that needs time to 'cool off'.
So on Sept 21, a Wednesday, while I was contemplating on whether I can break up with him through text (as I don't think I can bear to go through with it in person), I took a detour to avoid the jam and somehow ended near his place. So I just called him, asked him to come out, and it was raining when I said to break up. I was supposed to go have dinner with my brother and mom, and he has his niece's birthday (he said he wanted to ask me out for dinner that night). He didn't want to break up, I said, "I have to go for dinner." He replied, "We can talk about it after your dinner," and I said, "There's nothing to talk about." I asked for a hug and he's like why? It's not like we're breaking up. I said "But we are," and I left. And we had no contact.
On Saturday he texted me, 4 days later. He wasn't trying to get me back but he was saying all the correct words. He apologised and said much more. I asked if he wanted to meet me, and we did at the park, and it all just fell into place. We were talking for a bit and it was jaunty. Then we reconciled and went to his house to watch a movie.
Then I got sick on 27 Sept, had a high fever, recovered in the morning, sent my mom off to the airport, went to work and feeling more and more sick, took half day mc went to see the doctor at Lintas and the carpark had REINFORCED STEEL on their pillars okay!! The stripey black and yellow, omg piss me OFF, I backed into it and a piece of my hindlights left corner fell off and the bumper is dented in. I'll fix it soon. GAH. Felt like shit got home, he finally woke up and called me and said he'll come pick me up at 4. I fell in and out of sleep and he by 6 I was at his place, and I slept and ate there and he sent me back after midnight. I felt taken care of, for the first time I felt like he took care of me and that he's reliable.
Then at Ven's wedding, I felt the contrast even more. Like what I am looking for (even if it's not a must whether I marry or not), is different from what he is looking for. And after the wedding, in the afternoon I went to look for him and we just snuggled in bed and I talked to him a little on this. It's hard to put into words but the gist of it was I was wondering how long we would last and he said don't talk like that, who knows if we could last for years then it was a subtle indication that we could end up together...? Something like that.
Then I got super pissed again because after the wedding the next week I felt so sleepy and slept early because just one night of not having enough sleep will disrupt you for a few days after (I'm getting old), and I was just so tired and he's not being understanding cos I felt asleep 3 nights in a row at his place when we were supposed to play Starwars and he would say like, "I called it" "See you this weekend." like ya see you never for the coming 4 days. MMHMM.
Then presently, last Friday he came to my place and I was supposed to cook, but we didn't have enough time, and so we went to his place after. Now Brendan is back and we were having a lan party on Sunday night and I was supposed to send him back but I was too tired and I ended up sleepover. It's been everyday I've been seeing him since Friday, good. Good.
Actually things have been going pretty well recently. Like are things finally looking up from the several months of slump prior relationship? I'm happy and satisfied. Oh and Oct 16 Joshua asked him if we were together and he said yes and I feel like it's a breakthrough since we decided to not go public mainly because of our Skype group, I didn't want them to see me differently, but I guess we weren't that subtle as we thought we were.
I hope to slowly let go tho. Right now my biggest slump is managing my finances and getting myself out of the red. In two weeks time i will be free from the reds, yay!
This is a long post for it's been so long.
Wednesday, June 29, 2016
SIGH
And so Brendan returned, and now Leonard is here.
There always seems to be a reason for me to still be in close contact with A.
Turns out his secret is that he cried when I said not to meet anymore.
Past the point of no return on the 18 June, and on the 16 June he cried. In front of me. Because of me. And I cried as well, I can't hold it when he says he's sorry.
I really don't know what the fuck I'm doing anymore.
Then on 25 June I told him I don't want to do anything anymore and he was angry for a bit. Angry? No. I don't know. Grouchy? Aggresive? I Just felt like he was cold. Somewhat.
Again, I don't know what the fuck I'm doing anymore.
I reread our messages for June and it's awful how inconsistent I am. To the point were I'm ashamed of my words now.
There always seems to be a reason for me to still be in close contact with A.
Turns out his secret is that he cried when I said not to meet anymore.
Past the point of no return on the 18 June, and on the 16 June he cried. In front of me. Because of me. And I cried as well, I can't hold it when he says he's sorry.
I really don't know what the fuck I'm doing anymore.
Then on 25 June I told him I don't want to do anything anymore and he was angry for a bit. Angry? No. I don't know. Grouchy? Aggresive? I Just felt like he was cold. Somewhat.
Again, I don't know what the fuck I'm doing anymore.
I reread our messages for June and it's awful how inconsistent I am. To the point were I'm ashamed of my words now.
Tuesday, June 14, 2016
Turmoil
Everyday I feel something new. Or old.
Today I feel turmoil.
Sometimes I can barely focus on working, I daydream and stare at the paper. It was the whole familiar feeling of losing myself again just because feelings are not returned. The squeezing of the heart, sadness and gloom hanging over me today. The feeling of "Shit, I got too close again."
I feel like I miss him. Even though it was only last Sunday we met. I refuse to be smitten again. I refuse to be head over heels. I refuse. I miss him so much but he will never know because I will never tell him. What's the point? And I'm depressed by the fact that he never asked what I'm doing, if a guy doesn't ask you that it means he's not interested, and that made me feel down too.
I thought I was over feeling this. Geez, I don't need to feel shitty. But it beats feeling hurt, I guess.
It looks like I'm in a cycle. An emotional one. I will love, grow cold, be numb all over again. And it's getting worse because although I have fallen head over heels and out of it with him, I think I might be starting to love him for real. Which is bad. Well, it's all in the head. Illusions. I 'think'. So, it's impossible.
It was naive of me to think I could move on from having feelings for him while still in close contact with him. So what else is there to do?
Today I feel turmoil.
Sometimes I can barely focus on working, I daydream and stare at the paper. It was the whole familiar feeling of losing myself again just because feelings are not returned. The squeezing of the heart, sadness and gloom hanging over me today. The feeling of "Shit, I got too close again."
I feel like I miss him. Even though it was only last Sunday we met. I refuse to be smitten again. I refuse to be head over heels. I refuse. I miss him so much but he will never know because I will never tell him. What's the point? And I'm depressed by the fact that he never asked what I'm doing, if a guy doesn't ask you that it means he's not interested, and that made me feel down too.
I thought I was over feeling this. Geez, I don't need to feel shitty. But it beats feeling hurt, I guess.
It looks like I'm in a cycle. An emotional one. I will love, grow cold, be numb all over again. And it's getting worse because although I have fallen head over heels and out of it with him, I think I might be starting to love him for real. Which is bad. Well, it's all in the head. Illusions. I 'think'. So, it's impossible.
It was naive of me to think I could move on from having feelings for him while still in close contact with him. So what else is there to do?
Monday, June 13, 2016
Feels like it, but not.
Today Ven shared a post.
It said:-
How to stop time: kiss.
How to travel in time: read.
How to escape time: music.
How to feel time: write.
How to release time: breathe.
I quite like how easy yet simple it sounded.
A personal one?
How to suspend time: Be in unrequited love.
Doing these movie marathons on a weekly basis is heaven and hell at the same time. But recently more of heaven. I catch myself unawares, it feels as if we're dating (he said it too; twice; but then again, I nearly started overthinking again), but we're not. Fingers entwined for no reason, innocent pecks here and there, and it tickles my heart especially when it's on the temple. Too much to take in sometimes.
Have to shake my head, distance myself and continue telling myself this is all but an illusion. This bliss, is a sad sad illusion.
He said he has a secret that he will tell me some time. At this point, I no longer care what secret he has as it probably can't affect me any worse than my current predicament. So no idea why he can't just be out with it but *shrug* but I'm sure it'll be one I will probably scoff at, for what else can surprise me? We only have the now after all, I have accepted that I can have nothing of him, his future and especially his feelings and heart. All I have is his thoughts, his company, his time, his teasing, his laughter; them being the now. The present.
I no longer feel the sting of rejection (or do I). Au contraire, I have the feeling of impending, imminent conviction and resignation that all good things will come to an end and that we will go on our separate ways. Maybe that is why I am so caught up in it now, since I know it will be, but fleeting.
When we went climbing, and I saw his girly body I kept wondering to myself why him. Obviously when I said I was physically attracted, it was probably affected by the feelings I have for him. Cos I probably look more manly than him, I'm sorry I'm not feminine enough.
Who knows, this could a drive for me to finally leave for Singapore. When all is so messed up, and it is time for me to throw the towel in, throw my hands up and walk out.
The months are rolling by and I should be getting a new job.
I may seem fucked up, I probably am, but I'm not regretting, nor have I regretted any of my decisions in the past. So I sincerely hope AND KNOW that I will not start regretting anything now.
It said:-
How to stop time: kiss.
How to travel in time: read.
How to escape time: music.
How to feel time: write.
How to release time: breathe.
I quite like how easy yet simple it sounded.
A personal one?
How to suspend time: Be in unrequited love.
Doing these movie marathons on a weekly basis is heaven and hell at the same time. But recently more of heaven. I catch myself unawares, it feels as if we're dating (he said it too; twice; but then again, I nearly started overthinking again), but we're not. Fingers entwined for no reason, innocent pecks here and there, and it tickles my heart especially when it's on the temple. Too much to take in sometimes.
Have to shake my head, distance myself and continue telling myself this is all but an illusion. This bliss, is a sad sad illusion.
He said he has a secret that he will tell me some time. At this point, I no longer care what secret he has as it probably can't affect me any worse than my current predicament. So no idea why he can't just be out with it but *shrug* but I'm sure it'll be one I will probably scoff at, for what else can surprise me? We only have the now after all, I have accepted that I can have nothing of him, his future and especially his feelings and heart. All I have is his thoughts, his company, his time, his teasing, his laughter; them being the now. The present.
I no longer feel the sting of rejection (or do I). Au contraire, I have the feeling of impending, imminent conviction and resignation that all good things will come to an end and that we will go on our separate ways. Maybe that is why I am so caught up in it now, since I know it will be, but fleeting.
When we went climbing, and I saw his girly body I kept wondering to myself why him. Obviously when I said I was physically attracted, it was probably affected by the feelings I have for him. Cos I probably look more manly than him, I'm sorry I'm not feminine enough.
Who knows, this could a drive for me to finally leave for Singapore. When all is so messed up, and it is time for me to throw the towel in, throw my hands up and walk out.
The months are rolling by and I should be getting a new job.
I may seem fucked up, I probably am, but I'm not regretting, nor have I regretted any of my decisions in the past. So I sincerely hope AND KNOW that I will not start regretting anything now.
Jika engkau minta intan permata
Tak mungkin ku mampu
Tapi sayangkan ku capai bintang
Dari langit untukmu
Tak mungkin ku mampu
Tapi sayangkan ku capai bintang
Dari langit untukmu
Jika engkau minta satu dunia
Akan aku coba
Ku hanya mampu jadi milikmu
Pastikan kau bahagia
Akan aku coba
Ku hanya mampu jadi milikmu
Pastikan kau bahagia
Hati ini bukan milik ku lagi
Seribu tahun pun akan ku nantikan kamu
Seribu tahun pun akan ku nantikan kamu
Sayangku jangan kau persoalkan
Siapa di hatiku
Terukir di bintang
Tak mungkin hilang cintaku padamu
Siapa di hatiku
Terukir di bintang
Tak mungkin hilang cintaku padamu
Hati ini bukan milik ku lagi
Seribu tahun pun akan ku nantikan kamu
Seribu tahun pun akan ku nantikan kamu
Sayangku jangan kau persoalkan
Siapa di hatiku
Terukir di bintang
Tak mungkin hilang cintaku padamu
Siapa di hatiku
Terukir di bintang
Tak mungkin hilang cintaku padamu
Sayangku jangan kau persoalkan
Siapa di hatiku
Terukir di bintang
Tak mungkin hilang cintaku padamu
Siapa di hatiku
Terukir di bintang
Tak mungkin hilang cintaku padamu
Terukir di bintang
Tak mungkin hilang cintaku padamu
Tak mungkin hilang cintaku padamu
Friday, June 10, 2016
Emotions
I dislike you A
Because I just do.
Not the person, but what you're capable of
Affecting me so
You made my life so fucked up now and it's not your fault.
It's mine.
You made me lose control.
And control was all I ever had in my life.
You're killing me slowly, inside
And you never noticed.
I was willing to compromise so much of myself.
Even compromised who I was to keep up this charade with you.
Was the experience worth it?
Yes.
It proved I could bleed too.
Was it worth my losing my heart?
No.
Recovering the pieces will be a pain the ass.
But I'll get back up.
Suddenly, unrequited love took on a whole new meaning.
Tell me.
How do you move on from someone you are always close with?
You die. Inside.
The right answer would be to put distance, but that I could not do.
I tried.
I foresee I will come out of this incapable of feelings. Which is good.
I would have better control over my emotions after this, aye?
The room doesn't fade away anymore,
Maybe I've stopped seeing the stars.
No stars, no hope.
Consumed by darkness
And despair
Frustration
Bittersweet
Wistful
Sad.
No hurt. Just all the above.
And fun. Oh plenty of fun.
When will I finally die?
Not literally, of course.
One day, I will be looking fondly upon these memories, of when I was able to be true to my heart. ''Cherish the memories.''
"I Hate U I Love U"
(feat. Olivia O'Brien)
[Verse 1 - Olivia O'Brien:]
Feeling used
But I'm
Still missing you
And I can't
See the end of this
Just wanna feel your kiss
Against my lips
And now all this time
Is passing by
But I still can't seem to tell you why
It hurts me every time I see you
Realize how much I need you
[Hook - Olivia O'Brien:]
I hate you, I love you,
I hate that I love you
Don't want to but I can't put nobody else above you
I hate you, I love you,
I hate that I want you
You want her, you need her
And I'll never be her
[Verse 2 - Gnash:]
I miss you when I can't sleep
Or right after coffee
Or right when I can't eat
I miss you in my front seat
Still got sand in my sweaters
From nights we don't remember
Do you miss me like I miss you?
Fucked around and got attached to you
Friends can break your heart too,
And I'm always tired but never of you
If I pulled a you on you, you wouldn't like that shit
I put this real out, but you wouldn't bite that shit
I type a text but then I never mind that shit
I got these feelings but you never mind that shit
Oh oh, keep it on the low
You're still in love with me but your friends don't know
If you wanted me you would just say so
And if I were you, I would never let me go
I don't mean no harm
I just miss you on my arm
Wedding bells were just alarms
Caution tape around my heart
You ever wonder what we could have been?
You said you wouldn't and you fucking did
Lie to me, lie with me, get your fucking fix
Now all my drinks and all my feelings are all fucking mixed
Always missing people that I shouldn't be missing
Sometimes you gotta burn some bridges just to create some distance
I know that I control my thoughts and I should stop reminiscing
But I learned from my dad that it's good to have feelings
When love and trust are gone
I guess this is moving on
Everyone I do right does me wrong
So every lonely night I sing this song
[Hook - Olivia O'Brien and Gnash:]
I hate you, I love you,
I hate that I love you
Don't want to but I can't put nobody else above you
I hate you, I love you,
I hate that I want you
You want her, you need her
And I'll never be her
[Bridge - Olivia O' Brien and Gnash:]
All alone I watch you watch her
Like she's the only girl you've ever seen
You don't care you never did
You don't give a damn about me
Yeah all alone I watch you watch her
She is the only thing you ever see
How is it you never notice
That you are slowly killing me
[Hook - Olivia O'Brien:]
I hate you, I love you,
I hate that I love you
Don't want to but I can't put nobody else above you
I hate you I love you
I hate that I want you
You want her, you need her
And I'll never be her
Because I just do.
Not the person, but what you're capable of
Affecting me so
You made my life so fucked up now and it's not your fault.
It's mine.
You made me lose control.
And control was all I ever had in my life.
You're killing me slowly, inside
And you never noticed.
I was willing to compromise so much of myself.
Even compromised who I was to keep up this charade with you.
Was the experience worth it?
Yes.
It proved I could bleed too.
Was it worth my losing my heart?
No.
Recovering the pieces will be a pain the ass.
But I'll get back up.
Suddenly, unrequited love took on a whole new meaning.
Tell me.
How do you move on from someone you are always close with?
You die. Inside.
The right answer would be to put distance, but that I could not do.
I tried.
I foresee I will come out of this incapable of feelings. Which is good.
I would have better control over my emotions after this, aye?
The room doesn't fade away anymore,
Maybe I've stopped seeing the stars.
No stars, no hope.
Consumed by darkness
And despair
Frustration
Bittersweet
Wistful
Sad.
No hurt. Just all the above.
And fun. Oh plenty of fun.
When will I finally die?
Not literally, of course.
One day, I will be looking fondly upon these memories, of when I was able to be true to my heart. ''Cherish the memories.''
"I Hate U I Love U"
(feat. Olivia O'Brien)
[Verse 1 - Olivia O'Brien:]
Feeling used
But I'm
Still missing you
And I can't
See the end of this
Just wanna feel your kiss
Against my lips
And now all this time
Is passing by
But I still can't seem to tell you why
It hurts me every time I see you
Realize how much I need you
[Hook - Olivia O'Brien:]
I hate you, I love you,
I hate that I love you
Don't want to but I can't put nobody else above you
I hate you, I love you,
I hate that I want you
You want her, you need her
And I'll never be her
[Verse 2 - Gnash:]
I miss you when I can't sleep
Or right after coffee
Or right when I can't eat
I miss you in my front seat
Still got sand in my sweaters
From nights we don't remember
Do you miss me like I miss you?
Fucked around and got attached to you
Friends can break your heart too,
And I'm always tired but never of you
If I pulled a you on you, you wouldn't like that shit
I put this real out, but you wouldn't bite that shit
I type a text but then I never mind that shit
I got these feelings but you never mind that shit
Oh oh, keep it on the low
You're still in love with me but your friends don't know
If you wanted me you would just say so
And if I were you, I would never let me go
I don't mean no harm
I just miss you on my arm
Wedding bells were just alarms
Caution tape around my heart
You ever wonder what we could have been?
You said you wouldn't and you fucking did
Lie to me, lie with me, get your fucking fix
Now all my drinks and all my feelings are all fucking mixed
Always missing people that I shouldn't be missing
Sometimes you gotta burn some bridges just to create some distance
I know that I control my thoughts and I should stop reminiscing
But I learned from my dad that it's good to have feelings
When love and trust are gone
I guess this is moving on
Everyone I do right does me wrong
So every lonely night I sing this song
[Hook - Olivia O'Brien and Gnash:]
I hate you, I love you,
I hate that I love you
Don't want to but I can't put nobody else above you
I hate you, I love you,
I hate that I want you
You want her, you need her
And I'll never be her
[Bridge - Olivia O' Brien and Gnash:]
All alone I watch you watch her
Like she's the only girl you've ever seen
You don't care you never did
You don't give a damn about me
Yeah all alone I watch you watch her
She is the only thing you ever see
How is it you never notice
That you are slowly killing me
[Hook - Olivia O'Brien:]
I hate you, I love you,
I hate that I love you
Don't want to but I can't put nobody else above you
I hate you I love you
I hate that I want you
You want her, you need her
And I'll never be her
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