Turmoil

Everyday I feel something new. Or old.

Today I feel turmoil.

Sometimes I can barely focus on working, I daydream and stare at the paper. It was the whole familiar feeling of losing myself again just because feelings are not returned. The squeezing of the heart, sadness and gloom hanging over me today. The feeling of "Shit, I got too close again."

I feel like I miss him. Even though it was only last Sunday we met. I refuse to be smitten again. I refuse to be head over heels. I refuse. I miss him so much but he will never know because I will never tell him. What's the point? And I'm depressed by the fact that he never asked what I'm doing, if a guy doesn't ask you that it means he's not interested, and that made me feel down too.

I thought I was over feeling this. Geez, I don't need to feel shitty. But it beats feeling hurt, I guess.

It looks like I'm in a cycle. An emotional one. I will love, grow cold, be numb all over again. And it's getting worse because although I have fallen head over heels and out of it with him, I think I might be starting to love him for real. Which is bad. Well, it's all in the head. Illusions. I 'think'. So, it's impossible.

It was naive of me to think I could move on from having feelings for him while still in close contact with him. So what else is there to do?