Feels like it, but not.

Today Ven shared a post.

It said:-

How to stop time: kiss.
How to travel in time: read.
How to escape time: music.
How to feel time: write.
How to release time: breathe.

I quite like how easy yet simple it sounded.

A personal one?

How to suspend time: Be in unrequited love.

Doing these movie marathons on a weekly basis is heaven and hell at the same time. But recently more of heaven. I catch myself unawares, it feels as if we're dating (he said it too; twice; but then again, I nearly started overthinking again), but we're not. Fingers entwined for no reason, innocent pecks here and there, and it tickles my heart especially when it's on the temple. Too much to take in sometimes.

Have to shake my head, distance myself and continue telling myself this is all but an illusion. This bliss, is a sad sad illusion.

He said he has a secret that he will tell me some time. At this point, I no longer care what secret he has as it probably can't affect me any worse than my current predicament. So no idea why he can't just be out with it but *shrug* but I'm sure it'll be one I will probably scoff at, for what else can surprise me? We only have the now after all, I have accepted that I can have nothing of him, his future and especially his feelings and heart. All I have is his thoughts, his company, his time, his teasing, his laughter; them being the now. The present.

I no longer feel the sting of rejection (or do I). Au contraire, I have the feeling of impending, imminent conviction and resignation that all good things will come to an end and that we will go on our separate ways. Maybe that is why I am so caught up in it now, since I know it will be, but fleeting.

When we went climbing, and I saw his girly body I kept wondering to myself why him. Obviously when I said I was physically attracted, it was probably affected by the feelings I have for him. Cos I probably look more manly than him, I'm sorry I'm not feminine enough.

Who knows, this could a drive for me to finally leave for Singapore. When all is so messed up, and it is time for me to throw the towel in, throw my hands up and walk out.

The months are rolling by and I should be getting a new job.

I may seem fucked up, I probably am, but I'm not regretting, nor have I regretted any of my decisions in the past. So I sincerely hope AND KNOW that I will not start regretting anything now.

Jika engkau minta intan permata
Tak mungkin ku mampu
Tapi sayangkan ku capai bintang
Dari langit untukmu

Jika engkau minta satu dunia
Akan aku coba
Ku hanya mampu jadi milikmu
Pastikan kau bahagia

Hati ini bukan milik ku lagi
Seribu tahun pun akan ku nantikan kamu

Sayangku jangan kau persoalkan
Siapa di hatiku
Terukir di bintang
Tak mungkin hilang cintaku padamu

Hati ini bukan milik ku lagi
Seribu tahun pun akan ku nantikan kamu

Sayangku jangan kau persoalkan
Siapa di hatiku
Terukir di bintang
Tak mungkin hilang cintaku padamu

Sayangku jangan kau persoalkan
Siapa di hatiku
Terukir di bintang
Tak mungkin hilang cintaku padamu

Terukir di bintang
Tak mungkin hilang cintaku padamu