SIGH

And so Brendan returned, and now Leonard is here.

There always seems to be a reason for me to still be in close contact with A.

Turns out his secret is that he cried when I said not to meet anymore.

Past the point of no return on the 18 June, and on the 16 June he cried. In front of me. Because of me. And I cried as well, I can't hold it when he says he's sorry.

I really don't know what the fuck I'm doing anymore.

Then on 25 June I told him I don't want to do anything anymore and he was angry for a bit. Angry? No. I don't know. Grouchy? Aggresive? I Just felt like he was cold. Somewhat.

Again, I don't know what the fuck I'm doing anymore.

I reread our messages for June and it's awful how inconsistent I am. To the point were I'm ashamed of my words now.

Turmoil

Everyday I feel something new. Or old.

Today I feel turmoil.

Sometimes I can barely focus on working, I daydream and stare at the paper. It was the whole familiar feeling of losing myself again just because feelings are not returned. The squeezing of the heart, sadness and gloom hanging over me today. The feeling of "Shit, I got too close again."

I feel like I miss him. Even though it was only last Sunday we met. I refuse to be smitten again. I refuse to be head over heels. I refuse. I miss him so much but he will never know because I will never tell him. What's the point? And I'm depressed by the fact that he never asked what I'm doing, if a guy doesn't ask you that it means he's not interested, and that made me feel down too.

I thought I was over feeling this. Geez, I don't need to feel shitty. But it beats feeling hurt, I guess.

It looks like I'm in a cycle. An emotional one. I will love, grow cold, be numb all over again. And it's getting worse because although I have fallen head over heels and out of it with him, I think I might be starting to love him for real. Which is bad. Well, it's all in the head. Illusions. I 'think'. So, it's impossible.

It was naive of me to think I could move on from having feelings for him while still in close contact with him. So what else is there to do?

Feels like it, but not.

Today Ven shared a post.

It said:-

How to stop time: kiss.
How to travel in time: read.
How to escape time: music.
How to feel time: write.
How to release time: breathe.

I quite like how easy yet simple it sounded.

A personal one?

How to suspend time: Be in unrequited love.

Doing these movie marathons on a weekly basis is heaven and hell at the same time. But recently more of heaven. I catch myself unawares, it feels as if we're dating (he said it too; twice; but then again, I nearly started overthinking again), but we're not. Fingers entwined for no reason, innocent pecks here and there, and it tickles my heart especially when it's on the temple. Too much to take in sometimes.

Have to shake my head, distance myself and continue telling myself this is all but an illusion. This bliss, is a sad sad illusion.

He said he has a secret that he will tell me some time. At this point, I no longer care what secret he has as it probably can't affect me any worse than my current predicament. So no idea why he can't just be out with it but *shrug* but I'm sure it'll be one I will probably scoff at, for what else can surprise me? We only have the now after all, I have accepted that I can have nothing of him, his future and especially his feelings and heart. All I have is his thoughts, his company, his time, his teasing, his laughter; them being the now. The present.

I no longer feel the sting of rejection (or do I). Au contraire, I have the feeling of impending, imminent conviction and resignation that all good things will come to an end and that we will go on our separate ways. Maybe that is why I am so caught up in it now, since I know it will be, but fleeting.

When we went climbing, and I saw his girly body I kept wondering to myself why him. Obviously when I said I was physically attracted, it was probably affected by the feelings I have for him. Cos I probably look more manly than him, I'm sorry I'm not feminine enough.

Who knows, this could a drive for me to finally leave for Singapore. When all is so messed up, and it is time for me to throw the towel in, throw my hands up and walk out.

The months are rolling by and I should be getting a new job.

I may seem fucked up, I probably am, but I'm not regretting, nor have I regretted any of my decisions in the past. So I sincerely hope AND KNOW that I will not start regretting anything now.

Jika engkau minta intan permata
Tak mungkin ku mampu
Tapi sayangkan ku capai bintang
Dari langit untukmu

Jika engkau minta satu dunia
Akan aku coba
Ku hanya mampu jadi milikmu
Pastikan kau bahagia

Hati ini bukan milik ku lagi
Seribu tahun pun akan ku nantikan kamu

Sayangku jangan kau persoalkan
Siapa di hatiku
Terukir di bintang
Tak mungkin hilang cintaku padamu

Hati ini bukan milik ku lagi
Seribu tahun pun akan ku nantikan kamu

Sayangku jangan kau persoalkan
Siapa di hatiku
Terukir di bintang
Tak mungkin hilang cintaku padamu

Sayangku jangan kau persoalkan
Siapa di hatiku
Terukir di bintang
Tak mungkin hilang cintaku padamu

Terukir di bintang
Tak mungkin hilang cintaku padamu

Emotions

I dislike you A
Because I just do.
Not the person, but what you're capable of
Affecting me so
You made my life so fucked up now and it's not your fault.
It's mine.
You made me lose control.
And control was all I ever had in my life.
You're killing me slowly, inside
And you never noticed.
I was willing to compromise so much of myself.
Even compromised who I was to keep up this charade with you.
Was the experience worth it?
Yes.
It proved I could bleed too.
Was it worth my losing my heart?
No.
Recovering the pieces will be a pain the ass.
But I'll get back up.

Suddenly, unrequited love took on a whole new meaning.

Tell me.
How do you move on from someone you are always close with?
You die. Inside.

The right answer would be to put distance, but that I could not do.
I tried.


I foresee I will come out of this incapable of feelings. Which is good.
I would have better control over my emotions after this, aye?

The room doesn't fade away anymore,
Maybe I've stopped seeing the stars.
No stars, no hope.
Consumed by darkness
And despair
Frustration
Bittersweet
Wistful
Sad.
No hurt. Just all the above.

And fun. Oh plenty of fun.



When will I finally die?

Not literally, of course.

One day, I will be looking fondly upon these memories, of when I was able to be true to my heart. ''Cherish the memories.''




"I Hate U I Love U"
(feat. Olivia O'Brien)

[Verse 1 - Olivia O'Brien:]
Feeling used
But I'm
Still missing you
And I can't
See the end of this
Just wanna feel your kiss
Against my lips
And now all this time
Is passing by
But I still can't seem to tell you why
It hurts me every time I see you
Realize how much I need you

[Hook - Olivia O'Brien:]
I hate you, I love you,
I hate that I love you
Don't want to but I can't put nobody else above you
I hate you, I love you,
I hate that I want you
You want her, you need her
And I'll never be her

[Verse 2 - Gnash:]
I miss you when I can't sleep
Or right after coffee
Or right when I can't eat
I miss you in my front seat
Still got sand in my sweaters
From nights we don't remember
Do you miss me like I miss you?
Fucked around and got attached to you
Friends can break your heart too,
And I'm always tired but never of you
If I pulled a you on you, you wouldn't like that shit
I put this real out, but you wouldn't bite that shit
I type a text but then I never mind that shit
I got these feelings but you never mind that shit
Oh oh, keep it on the low
You're still in love with me but your friends don't know
If you wanted me you would just say so
And if I were you, I would never let me go
I don't mean no harm
I just miss you on my arm
Wedding bells were just alarms
Caution tape around my heart
You ever wonder what we could have been?
You said you wouldn't and you fucking did
Lie to me, lie with me, get your fucking fix
Now all my drinks and all my feelings are all fucking mixed
Always missing people that I shouldn't be missing
Sometimes you gotta burn some bridges just to create some distance
I know that I control my thoughts and I should stop reminiscing
But I learned from my dad that it's good to have feelings
When love and trust are gone
I guess this is moving on
Everyone I do right does me wrong
So every lonely night I sing this song

[Hook - Olivia O'Brien and Gnash:]
I hate you, I love you,
I hate that I love you
Don't want to but I can't put nobody else above you
I hate you, I love you,
I hate that I want you
You want her, you need her
And I'll never be her

[Bridge - Olivia O' Brien and Gnash:]
All alone I watch you watch her
Like she's the only girl you've ever seen
You don't care you never did
You don't give a damn about me
Yeah all alone I watch you watch her
She is the only thing you ever see
How is it you never notice
That you are slowly killing me

[Hook - Olivia O'Brien:]
I hate you, I love you,
I hate that I love you
Don't want to but I can't put nobody else above you
I hate you I love you
I hate that I want you
You want her, you need her
And I'll never be her

I'm a hypocrite

Yep, I'm a hypocrite.

Walk the fuck away?

Yeah, right.

Our friend was here from KL and so we hung out, I wanted to hang out separately but my stupid friend was like why didn't you ask A. Whatever la.

I realised that I was able to contain the drama. Cocoon myself. Protect myself. It did not touch my heart or affect my emotions. I did not feel hurt. And plus I enjoyed the company too. And thus, I continued hanging out with all of them.

Perhaps it is because I have accepted that he will never have feelings for me and that I have nothing I can expect from him anymore. He is not the man that I need but he sure is someone I would want. I guess it is better this way, else I would be regressing. Being with him would mean saying goodbye to getting married (not like I have any prospects I can seriously consider), being with him would be like regressing to my teenage years, except, I would be happy.

We are really playing with fire now. And I do not hope to be burnt but it is like a moth to the flame, simply irresistible. I officially confessed to him yesterday and told him to reject me outright, not half heartedly. I wanted him to tell me that he only sees me as a friend and that he would never have feelings for me. He would never love me.

But he refused, and said he was worried that what if whatever he feel is not clear, blurry and unsure because his mind is telling him so? He got fucked recently so maybe now nothing is clear because he is subconsciously protecting himself.

Well, for me, it could be that, or not. Either way I refuse to be confused over a 0.1% chance, and so if he does not want to reject me outright I'll just assume so and just bloody move on emotionally. Other than that, we are still good friends. I don't know what about his company that is so good but I just feel like I want to be there, spending time with him.

And to think, my vague memory of first meeting with him was at Shamrock's restroom right, but I was going in and he was going out and he gave me this stare that I thought was pretty weird. So I was saying to myself, "Why'd that guy look at me, giving me that creepy look. Stay away from him." And I shrugged it off. So you know what this means? It means first impression can be horribly wrong.

Goodbye

Last seen 21/5/2016. Super last seen 30/31/5/2016.
Next seen? Never.

Had one last hug.

Hung out as a bunch of friends just playing games and watching horror movies.
Watched VHS2 and Session 9. Dead or alive zombie-ish movie is still notable, I'd watch it again some other time, the level of gore is just too disturbing to pass over. Watched it on 21st yet already feel like rewatching it.

I'm giving up on DOOM, it's not worth it to see him and be even slightly affected. I can purchase my own DOOM come summer sales perhaps.

I really wonder why he affects me so much. When we are all curled up in bed (a bunch of us) watching the movie it's just so comfortable. And I want to snuggle.

"I am my own woman."

I can live without this. Definitely.

I thought I was okay. Since I didn't cry since 27. Well apparently not. Little trickle of tears on my way home yesterday. Had a little jabs and jibes in but I'm afraid it wasn't enough to be of any pain to him. Little words disguised as tease but chock full of daggers. At least I hoped it was.

What would you do if one does not want you emotionally or physically but merely wants the enjoyment of companionship, flirting and the thrill? 

You walk the fuck away.




I AM WALKING THE FUCK AWAY.
WALKING THE FUCK AWAY.
THE FUCK AWAY.
FUCK AWAY.
AWAY.

And from now on I tell myself, I will deny it even if I like someone. I'm done. If i don't like someone, I won't lead them on, but if I do, I'll keep to myself. The way I am is that if I like that person, it's green lights all the way, I'm told I'm too easy (not by the very same person or else I would have killed him already). And you know what? I probably bloody am, but that's only because I'm straightforward what. If like, then like la, if don't, then don't la.

But apparently it's not enough for ye male counterparts so I shall hold myself back despite liking the person. So I'm not exactly playing mind games or hard to get. I'm just giving up.