I have brought up the topic about breaking up or taking a break for many times now since February and more so in March. He doesn't want us to end.
And finally on the 27 March Monday is when our break started. We're taking it because I threatened to just break up.
He doesn't know his feelings for me, as in, whether he loves me or not. Even after 8 months of being together. How can one not know? I have decided to end it. He still thinks we'll be together again after taking a break. Well, we might be. But once I throw away my affections then what? He wanted us to last at least a year (What is this, a resume?) But I get where he's coming from. It would sound better.
Technically I've known him for a year and it's been exactly a year honestly, that I've been in love with him. But it just hurts. It hurts knowing he doesn't love me, because honestly, when a guy says I don't know whether I love you or not, even though you're so amazing, you just know he doesn't love you, no matter how much he wants to love you.
He keeps complimenting me, he says I'm cute, pretty, makes him want to bite me. He's attentive. He's just so much more than before. More affectionate, more attentive, more around, more involved.
I guess the reason why I'm putting a stop to us was because I know I will be ugly. I can feel myself becoming ugly. It's driving me crazy and sad that I know he doesn't love me, and I feel despair. I've subconsciously been rejecting sex. I just don't feel like it. And I no longer am so willing or eager to please him, his pleasure is of no concern to me. It just feels empty.
I know we will become ugly down the long run, because of me. Because of what I want is gnawing me on the inside and I just don't... I can't. I can't.
It's only the 3rd day now of no contact, it's difficult.
After this, I won't fall in love so easily again. Well, it took me 28 years to fall in love. Now that I've had a taste, it's enough. It's too scary. It's better if I am alone at least I won't be hurt.
How can we move on when we know there's someone waiting for us?
Time to murder my love now. Throw it somewhere.
